Listen, lady.

I chose not to comment on your RNC acceptance speech, on the way you carefully, if none too eloquently, identified yourself as the singular definition of Real True American-ness while listing innumerable Dangerous Fake Americans--Democrats, liberals, people not from small towns, people in San Francisco--from whom only you and the Republican Party could protect other Real True Americans. I kept my mouth shut even when you started going more blatant with the witch-hunt stuff, whipping crowds at your rallies into a jingoistic frenzy against their own countrymen. I didn't care for that, but I didn't comment.

I said nothing about your only debate, not even the really creepy part where you got all bubbly over Dick Cheney's borderline-unconstitutional expansion of the Vice-President's powers and promised that, if elected, you would try to run both the executive and legislative branches. People got all freaked out when you said the same thing to a schoolkid last week, but you'd already made your intentions clear, hadn't you? Apparently everyone was so amazed that you didn't actually drool on yourself during the debate that no one heard anything you said. Even I had trouble. It took the U.K. Guardian pointing it out to make me realize that your answer to a question about John McCain's economic plan was, verbatim:

Say it ain't so, Joe, there you go again pointing backwards again. You preferenced your whole comment with the Bush administration. Now doggone it, let's look ahead and tell Americans what we have to plan to do for them in the future. You mentioned education and I'm glad you did. I know education you are passionate about with your wife being a teacher for 30 years, and god bless her. Her reward is in heaven, right? I say, too, with education, America needs to be putting a lot more focus on that and our schools have got to be really ramped up in terms of the funding that they are deserving. Teachers needed to be paid more. I come from a house full of school teachers. My grandma was, my dad who is in the audience today, he's a schoolteacher, had been for many years. My brother, who I think is the best schoolteacher in the year, and here's a shout-out to all those third graders at Gladys Wood Elementary School, you get extra credit for watching the debate.

I didn't comment on that because it made me sad, like that backwards B girl in Pittsburgh makes me sad. What can anyone say? She thought the B looked great in the mirror, and you thought that sounded like an answer.

I didn't comment on the Bridge to Nowhere. I didn't comment on global warming. I didn't comment on shooting wolves from helicopters. I didn't comment on your fondness for giving high-paying government jobs to unqualified high-school friends, or your equal fondness for firing people over personal grudges. I remained politely silent on the subject of your husband's palpable douchebaggery. I didn't say anything when, just days ago, you stole my mother's hairdo and my glasses. I didn't say a damn thing about the winking.

I think you'll agree I've put up with a lot.

But when you dis fruit flies, lady, it's time to throw down.